Imagine it’s a beautiful day and you’re walking in the park chatting with a good friend about things that you both enjoy. The birds are singing, the sun warms your skin, you can hear the gentle hum of insects and bees and away in the distance the sound of children’s laughter can be heard through the gentle breeze in the trees. It’s one of those days when you have nothing in particular that needs to be done, nothing to rush for and you can really appreciate the moment. Life is sweet.
And as you’re happily strolling along, you notice someone else you know walking towards you. As you look at the person’s face you can just tell that they’re not happy. When you make eye contact it dawns on you that this person is going to burden you with their unhappiness and your heart sinks. You hear a voice inside your head saying, “Oh no, here we go again, what is it this time?”
Ok, now stop! A wise and inspirational person I know talks about how feelings of anger towards another person can be compared with drinking poison and expecting the other person to become ill. I think a similar analogy could also be applied to other negative states such as frustration, guilt, resentment, sadness, jealousy, hostility or anything else you can think of.
Well it’s one thing having these feelings as a result of your own actions – and maybe for a time those feelings are appropriate given the situation (as long as these feelings don’t last so long that you are unable to function effectively in a positive way in the future) we can use these unpleasant feelings to help us learn from our behaviour and manage ourselves differently to get better results next time.
But what if you feel bad every time another person shares their unhappiness with you? What if you end up feeling miserable, frustrated, uptight or angry in return? Is it right that they can unburden their problems on to you, leave you feeling bad and then walk away feeling better because they chose to pass on their feelings to you? Why should you drink their poison?
Well it doesn’t have to be like this! You can still be a warm, friendly, supportive person without accepting someone else’s negative baggage. Look at it this way; If I bought you a gift, let’s say a bottle of your favourite wine and the occasion was appropriate you might take that bottle, find a couple of glasses and open it there and then, have a couple of sips and really enjoy the sensation of the cool wine on your taste buds, the smell of it as you drink and all would be well. If I then told you I’d also bought some cheese to give you to go with the wine – a really strong, mature, blue, runny cheese with lots of mould, and this was something you really didn’t like, couldn’t even bear the smell if it was opened, would you accept it gladly and start eating it straight away? I doubt it! Not only would you refuse to eat it, you’re likely to say, “No thank you” and not accept it at all. In the unlikely event that the person making the gift is offended you can be comforted to know that at least they won’t make the same mistake again by trying to give you something you don’t like or want.
The same applies to taking on someone else’s negative states or emotions. You don’t have to drink their poison. It’s ok to say to yourself, “No, I won’t accept this offering” in the same way you wouldn’t eat something that is unpleasant to you. You decide how you want to feel and when to feel it; it is your body-mind, not someone else’s.
And here’s a tip: The same theory and application could also be said for how to handle bullying. If you don’t accept the unwanted “gift” from the bully, they will know that in the future also they won’t get away with taking out their troubles on you.
I welcome your comments.
